


White Winter Hymnal

by QueenSabriel



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Christmas fic, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, holiday fic, post-trk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-09 22:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8915881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenSabriel/pseuds/QueenSabriel
Summary: Adam and Ronan's first Christmas together.





	

It had begun to snow. 

Stepping out of Borden House Adam found himself surrounded by a flurry of the salt-grain snow that happened only on the very coldest, driest days of winter. He craned his head back to look up at the steely sky and found himself staring into a wash of television static that swirled and eddied whenever the biting wind picked up. It was the last day of class before winter break, and the first real snowfall Henrietta had seen that year. 

It all felt so wrong. No more Glendower, no more Cabeswater. Just college applications and their last semester at Aglionby. 

Someone nudged the small of his back with their knuckles. "Parrish. _Parrish._ You're holding up traffic."  

"It's snowing," Adam said, half turning to look at Ronan. 

"No shit." Ronan slung an arm around Adam's neck, hugging him against his side as they started down the front walk.  

Gansey stepped up on Adam's other side, giving them a bemused look despite their proficiency at walking so close together. "Forget holding up traffic, you two are going to cause an accident. I'm very happy for you but it's freezing and I would like to get to my car." 

Ronan opened his mouth to say something but before he could a white clump that could only _just_ be described as a snowball hit the back of Gansey's jacket with a soft _whumph_. Ronan crowed with laughter and Adam turned his head in time to see Henry Cheng sliding down the sloping lawn to their left. 

"Ho ho _hoooo_!" Henry bellowed. He grinned at them. "Sweet snowy freedom, my dudes! How are we? Very merry?" 

"Generally speaking," Gansey said with a faint grimace as he scooped a little snow from his collar. "Cheng, hello." 

"Ganseyboy." Henry glanced at the other two. "Parrishlynch."  

Ronan's expression sank into a scowl. "...What?" 

"This season's hottest celebrity couple," Henry said, undeterred. He held his fist out to Ronan, who eyed it the way someone might eye an advancing scorpion, but after a second he obligingly bumped his own knuckles against Henry's, which made Henry positively beam with delight. He turned to Gansey again. "Richardman, am I still able to bum a ride home from you in this foul, foul weather?" 

"Only if you don't mind stopping to pick up Blue on the way." 

"Shouldn't be too difficult, she's very small, our Lady Blue..." 

" _Henry_..." 

Adam let his attention drift away from their conversation. He leaned to the side a little, into Ronan, watching as snow collected on the black knit cap he wore. A few snowflakes caught in Ronan's eyelashes, making him first squint then blink furiously. Adam wrapped an arm around his waist. 

If anything had surprised Adam about Ronan it was the sheer amount of physical contact he required. He was forever toying with Adam's sleeve or touching his back or arm or taking his hand or slinging an arm around him or every now and then pressing a light, surreptitious kiss to Adam's temple when he thought no one else was looking. For Adam, who had grown up in a household where embraces casual or otherwise were not a thing that happened, this had been at first mildly off-putting. He wasn't used to accounting for another body in his physical space. Then, slowly, his mind had started to register these little touches as moments of grounding, and amidst everything that had happened and was happening in Adam's life he found that he loved them for all that they reminded him of. 

_This is real. You are right here, right now and that is your boyfriend with his arm around you._  

Ronan's breath was warm against his cheek. "You don't need to grab anything else from your place right?" 

"Uh-uh," Adam said, shaking his head. "I threw a bag in your car this morning. We can just head right to the Barns." 

"Cool."  

Adam closed his eyes for just a second, turning his face away as the wind picked up again. 

"Hoookay!" Gansey said abruptly, clapping his hands together and turning to Adam and Ronan. "Sorry. You guys didn't have to wait for us. We're still on for Christmas dinner at your place though right? Blue said her mom was going to get in touch with one of you about food, did she do that?" 

"Yeah," Ronan said. "How many of Sargent's multiple mothers are actually coming?" 

Gansey raised an eyebrow. "I think just Calla, Jimi, Orla, and her actual mom. And us two." 

"You two aren't her mothers," Ronan said. He smirked. "At least I really hope not." 

"Bye Ronan," Gansey said, shaking his head and laughing. "Drive safe." 

Ronan just shook his head before steering Adam on down the sidewalk towards the student parking lot where the BMW was parked. 

*** 

The light was fading by the time they got to the Barns. A dusting of snow was starting to collect in the grass, turning the front yard of the house into a miniature tundra. Adam got his duffel bag out of the trunk and they headed inside where they found Opal at the kitchen table making paper snowflakes. Though she preferred to have more company than just Chainsaw, the little dream child had proven capable of minding herself, which was good as she seemed to do better at the Barns than being cooped up at Monmouth.  

"Hey, brat," Ronan said, patting her head lightly. "Making a mess? What d'you want for dinner?" 

"Goose!" Opal said without looking up from the paper she was cutting. She began to say in a sing-song voice, "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat! Please put a penny in the old man's hat!" 

Ronan raised his eyebrows and looked at Adam, who shrugged. Shaking his head, Ronan went over to look in the freezer. "Is chicken okay? I think we have chicken." 

"Mmmmokay," Opal said. She slid off the chair and went over to grasp Adam's hand. "Come see outside. Kerah doesn't have his shoes on." 

Adam stood and cast a glance at Ronan who made a shooing motion with one hand as he took the chicken out of the freezer with the other. Adam turned his attention back to Opal and let her pull him outside. The backyard of the house lay in the strange semi-twilight that the Barns always occupied, lit with the glow from the security lights on the distant out-buildings. Opal pulled Adam down the back steps of the porch and across the layer of snow that coated the lawn. 

Abruptly she stopped and pointed. 

"What is it?" Adam asked, squinting. 

" _Look_."  

He bent over and looked where her little hand was pointing. There were deer tracks in the snow, which was hardly surprising or unusual, but when Adam looked closer he saw that they were filled in with perfectly clear ice. He tried to think of some explanation for how that could have happened (rain, melting and refreezing snow) but somehow all he managed to say was, "…huh. Look at that." 

*** 

When Ronan was younger, his parents would sometimes send him and Matthew and Declan to a winter camp that their church organized with others in the area up in the mountains. It was a few days of skiing and skating and what were intended to be "guiding, Christ-centered activities" to keep the youth out of trouble over their winter break. Sometimes Ronan loved it, sometimes he had hated it. The last time he went was during eighth grade, his final year of middle school. It was just him and Matthew that year, as Declan would be going to the high school level camp the following week. 

That was back when Ronan did not have trouble making friends, and inevitably would find himself in with a group of other boys, usually the ones sharing his cabin, and they would spend the whole time running around together. That year he especially found himself spending time with a boy he knew from previous years, Evan Spencer, and the two of them were all but joined at the hip. Evan was an immensely popular boy, funny and charismatic and attractive, from a family that had _almost_ as much money as Ronan's but looked like they had a lot more. 

And Evan could have had any boy or girl he wanted as his best friend at camp but it was always Ronan he would drag around to different activities or sit next to at meals or chapel or whisper to after lights out. In the rec room after the day's schedule was done and everyone was unwinding he would sometimes go so far as to sit pressed right up against Ronan's side with an arm around his shoulders, and always that sent a delighted thrill through Ronan which he tried to tell himself was just because Evan was popular and liked him better than anyone else. 

On the last day of camp they were outside during free time, trying to decide if they wanted to go skating or sledding or catch up with the others. They were walking down a little-used path between two of the buildings when Even abruptly threw his arm out to stop Ronan. 

"Hey, look at that," he said, pointing with one mittened hand at the view of the mountains before them. It had just started to snow. "That's really pretty, it looks like a painting or something right? Like how the ones in the back are whiter than the ones close to us 'cause of the snow…" 

Ronan nodded, but he was looking sideways at Evan, who looked like one of the boys in holiday fashion ads: his face touched with a perfect blush of pink across his cheeks and nose, his jawline sharp above the tartan Burberry scarf wrapped around his neck, his rosy lips parted just a little, breath coming out in white billows. He turned and looked at Ronan and smiled. "What?" Reaching out he brushed a few melting snowflakes off Ronan's nose with his mitten.  

Catching Evan's arm lightly in one hand, Ronan took a step closer to him. It felt like the thing to do, when he thought about all the times over the past few days that Evan had held onto his arm or touched his back or pressed his body against Ronan's. For a split-second Evan moved closer to him as well, and as Ronan leaned in he thought Evan was tipping his own head to the side and towards him. 

Then the moment shattered. "What are you _doing_?" Evan shook Ronan's hand off of him, scrambling to put both of his hands on Ronan's chest and push him forcefully away. "What the hell?" 

"Wha—I…" Ronan gaped for a moment. His entire face felt like it was on fire, panic making his body seize up. Frantically, his brain grappled for some kind of joke he could use to shrug this off but all he could focus on was the feeling in his stomach like he was on a rapidly descending elevator. 

Evan's face was twisted into a disgusted expression. "Were you trying to _kiss_ me?!" 

"I…" Ronan began again but failed to come up with anything else. For some reason his brain kept replaying a moment from the night before last when he had let one hand hang over the edge of his bunk and Evan, on the bunk below, had reached up and slowly run his fingers over Ronan's. Now Evan was holding both hands up at chest height as though afraid— _afraid_ _—_ that Ronan would come close to him again. 

" _Wow_ ," Evan breathed, his mouth still contorted into a deep, disturbed frown. "I do _not_ go that way, dude. Just stay away from me. Jesus." Turning he went and hurried back along the path they had come. 

Ronan stared after him, and kept staring long after Evan had disappeared. 

Mercifully that had been the last day and by late afternoon he and Matthew were dropped off at the foot of the drive to the Barns. Ronan did not say anything to his little brother, who raced ahead of him into the house. Their father's car was conspicuously absent from the driveway, and Ronan felt a little relieved by that.  

Their mother greeted them in the front hall and sent Matthew upstairs right away to put his things away. Turning to Ronan she touched his cheek and murmured, "Take your coat and boots off and come into the kitchen for a minute, all right?" 

Ronan's heart sank. It was sometimes impossible to tell if his mother was upset or not. He took his boots off and put them in the tray by the door, then hung his coat up and followed Aurora back into the kitchen which was warm and bright. A pie pan sat on the counter next to a pile of flour and some dough waiting to be rolled out.  

"The camp _and_ Evan Spencer's grandmother called me this morning," Aurora said quietly. She gave Ronan a long look, then pointed at a cutting board and some apples. "Would you cut those for me and put them in the bowl?" 

"Yeah," Ronan breathed. Trying not to think about what potential lecture he might be about to receive, he walked over to stand at the counter and start cutting the apples, maybe a little more vehemently than was necessary.  

When he tipped the last of them into the bowl Aurora walked over and stood next to him. She put an arm around his shoulders, hugged him close, and with her lips resting against his temple murmured, "God made you just the way He wanted you to be, my darling." She drew back and cupped Ronan's chin in one hand, turning his face towards her. "And someday you will find a boy who actually deserves all of this love you have in you, I know you will. Until then, remember that your father and I love you very much, my little dreamer, no matter what." 

*** 

The next morning dawned gray and silent. Adam woke and knew without having to look out the window that it was snowing again. Ronan was awake already, his side of the bed empty, though there were no noises coming from downstairs. It took Adam some time to convince himself to leave the soft warmth of the bed, but eventually he managed to get himself to his feet, dressed, and downstairs into the kitchen where a pot of coffee waited. 

Peeking out the back door he could see Ronan and a smaller shape that had to be Opal out by one of the barns. Ronan was carrying bales of hay inside and Opal was running in ever widening circles. The falling snow made a faint, gauzy curtain of white between them, and Adam stood for some time transfixed by the sight. With the white fields, the mountains in the distance, the skeletal black trees and steely sky it looked like someone's idealistic painting of a rural winter scene. 

On the counter Ronan's cell phone started buzzing. Adam went over and poured himself some coffee. The phone started buzzing again. Adam turned it over. Declan's name was on the screen so Adam slid his thumb across it and held the phone to his ear. 

"Hey, Declan, it's—" 

"Adam, hey," Declan said. "I wouldn't ever mistake you for my brother on the phone, don't worry. How are you?" 

Adam took a sip of coffee and sat down at the table. "Fine. Glad to be out of school for a bit. What's up?" 

"I just wanted to let you know we're going to try to get there tomorrow afternoon," he said. "Ashley has a thing in the morning then we'll have lunch and head out. Should be there around three or four at the latest I imagine." 

"Cool, that sounds great. I'll let Ronan know." 

There was a long pause. "How's he seem?" 

"Huh?" 

"Ronan. How has he been acting lately?" 

Adam was still a little perplexed by the question. "I dunno. Normal? Fine?" 

"Has he _actually_ been seeing the school psychologist like they told him to?" 

"Declan I'm not gonna give you reports on Ronan," Adam said, frowning. "He can tell you about that himself if he wants to." 

On the other end of the line Declan sighed. "Fine. Fine. I just…I want Christmas to go okay, you know? It's important for Matthew that we can actually do things as a family without it all falling apart." 

For a moment Adam was silent. He wondered how many times the older Lynch brothers used Matthew's supposed feelings as stand-ins for their own. In this case he wasn't sure it mattered, Matthew probably _did_ want them to have a nice Christmas without his older brothers fighting. "If you want that I might advise against asking Ronan about the psychologist." 

"Right." Declan sighed again. "Right. Okay. Thanks, Adam. I'll see you tomorrow. Text me if there's anything you need us to bring." 

"Kay. See ya, Declan." Adam put the phone down on the table.  

He finished his coffee then stepped into the back hall, where he found a pair of boots that fit him and a warm enough coat. Pulling the articles on he stepped out onto the back porch then made his way carefully across the yard and to the barn where Ronan was. Opal had disappeared, though in the distance Adam could hear Chainsaw so he figured the little girl wasn't far either. 

"Lynch?" he called, stepping into the doorway of the barn. 

Ronan looked up from where he had been arranging the hay. "Over here." 

"Declan just called," Adam said, walking over to him. "They'll be here three-ish tomorrow." 

"Cool." Ronan pulled his gloves off, then reached for Adam, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around his waist. 

Adam smiled and kissed him. "G'morning, also." 

"You sleep okay?" Ronan asked. 

"Yeah," Adam said, which was mostly true. He wasn't entirely used to sleeping next to someone else yet, and had found himself waking more often than usual, aware of the other body beside his, of each time Ronan shifted, of his breath, the soft murmuring sounds he made. It wasn't _bad_ _,_ but it was different. "You almost done out here?" 

"One more thing I gotta do," Ronan said, but he made no move to step away from Adam. On the contrary, the next thing Adam felt was Ronan's fingers at the collar of his coat, then Ronan's lips on the side of his neck.  

Adam shivered, and the breath he let out turned white the second it hit the chilly air. Ronan lifted his head and kissed Adam on the lips, wrapping both arms around his shoulders. Adam rested his forehead against Ronan's and they were too close now for even the mist of their breath to rise between them. 

"We should go inside," Ronan said, tipping his head to kiss Adam's cheek. "You're freezing, Parrish." 

Adam nodded, but he cupped one hand to the back of Ronan's head and kissed him again, savoring the clash of warm and cold, and the fact that he didn't really have to worry about anyone else seeing as the kiss became deeper, and Ronan tipped his head to kiss Adam's jaw, then his neck again, but eventually even the warmth from that was not enough to keep the chill of the morning at bay, and they drew apart, taking each other's hand as they stepped out of the barn. 

They hadn't gone more than a couple yards yet when Ronan came to an abrupt stop, closing his eyes and tilting his head to the side. 

"Ronan…?" Adam said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Shh. Listen." 

Adam listened. The snow made the world sound muffled, and he couldn't even hear the cars on the not-too-distant highway. "I don't—" 

" _Shh!"_  

The wind died down. 

Somewhere a crow cawed. 

Then, slowly, Adam began to hear it; a quiet prickling, softer than the sound of his breath, softer than his heartbeat, pinpricks of crackling, shushing, television static whispering or maybe more like crystal breaking very quietly under a layer of feathers.  

When Adam looked over, Ronan had his head tipped back and a soft, easy smile on his face that Adam had never seen before.  

"It's the snow," Ronan murmured. "It's the sound of falling snow." 

*** 

Adam did not have a great many associations with the holidays, good or bad, simply because they hadn't been much of an affair in the Parrish household. His parents weren't religious, they didn't have money for extravagant gifts, and while his mother put up a few decorations there wasn't much room for a tree and his father usually complained about so much fuss for just one day. Truth be told the thing he liked the most about them was that his father spent more time at the bar than usual. 

All of the winters when he still lived with his parents blended together, and mostly he tried to forget them, but errant scenes floated every once in a while to the front of his mind. 

He was young, younger, not a baby but not a teenager yet so perhaps it had been middle school that this memory came from. He had just left the store with his mother; it was snowing lightly but the ground was warm so it turned to a slick, gelatinous sludge on the sidewalks. Ahead of them were a father and a girl, probably Adams age. She was trying to get something from the bag her father carried and as Adam watched, a jar or bottle fell into the slush and rolled a little ways towards him. 

He stepped away from his mother and bent to pick up the jar, holding it out to the girl as she ran over. 

“Thanks,” she said shyly, taking the jar. Adam caught a glimpse of large dark eyes and lashes above the scarf she wore. 

Adam stared at her. The girl giggled and waved then turned and ran back to her father who gently chastised her for dropping the item. Adam continued to watch, marveling at how the chastisement ended with her father kissing the top of her head as they continued to the car. 

“Adam, move, its cold out,” his mother called, breaking through his reverie. 

He gave himself a shake and turned to see her raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Was she that cute you forgot what you were doing?” She asked. “Here, take this bag.” 

Adam took the bag but he was scowling. “Girls aren't cute they're loud.” 

His mother let out a dry laugh. “ ‘s cuz you're still young,” she said, hefting her own armload of groceries. “Give it time. Someday you'll find one you like and you'll get married.” 

“What if I don't?” 

"Then you end up like your daddy's uncle." 

Adam looked at her with a little frown, trying to remember if he even knew his father's uncle. 

His mother heaved a long sigh. "Boys like you find girls to marry, Adam, don't worry about it. Now c'mon let's get home." 

*** 

Declan, Ashley, and Matthew arrived the following afternoon. There hadn't been any more snow all day, but as Declan's Volvo pulled up next to Ronan's BMW the sky was going from light to dark grey, promising more accumulation that night. Standing on the front porch and watching as Declan shut off the car, Ronan realized he was having mixed feelings about this whole family Christmas thing, though it was far too late to turn back now. He went down the front walk and over to see if they needed help getting anything inside.  

"Ro!" Matthew exclaimed, bouncing out of the car and wrapping Ronan in a bear-hug. "Man it's great to be out of the car. Is Adam here?" 

"Yeah, he's inside with Opal, go say hi," Ronan said, patting Matthew on the back and nudging him towards the house. He looked over to where Declan and Ashley were just opening the trunk of the car to get their bags. Ronan walked over to them. "Hey." 

"Hey, Ronan," Declan said, pulling Ronan into a one-armed hug. 

Ronan looked at Ashley. Aside from the fact that she actually liked Declan for all his Declan-ness, Ronan's only real _problem_ with Ashley was the fact that she was so fake. He knew that whatever she showed him of herself wasn't real, and that was as good as lying.  

But a week ago Matthew had made him promise that he would be nice over the holiday, not only to Declan but to Ashley too. Letting out a carefully controlled breath, Ronan nodded at Ashley. "Hey. How was the drive?" 

She stared at him for a minute, like she couldn't comprehend that the question was for her. Then she gave herself a shake. "Oh. It was fine. Thanks for having us, I know hosting can be a bit crazy." 

"Sure, whatever," Ronan said, shrugging as he reached for some of their bags. 

The three of them headed inside. Matthew and Adam were standing in the living room talking, and Adam greeted Declan and Ashley while Ronan started upstairs with the air mattress.  

He dropped it on the bed in Declan's old room, then turned to find Declan himself standing in the doorway. Declan did not look nineteen, ever, in Ronan's opinion. He looked perpetually thirty—maybe it was the suits, maybe it was the way he styled his hair, maybe it was his expression. Even now, wearing an expensive sweater in place of his usual suit coat, he looked much more than just a year older than Ronan. They looked at each other for a minute before Declan stepped into room and set the large suitcase he was carrying down.  

"Thanks for doing this," he said quietly, straightening.   

Ronan shrugged. "Whatever, man. Matthew wanted to."  

"Ronan..." Declan said, folding his arms over his chest. He was using his 'I'm trying to be an adult here' voice which made Ronan chew the inside of his cheek irritably. A second later, however, Declan said something that took him completely off guard. "I miss you."  

"What?" Ronan said, tensing. "You see me every fucking Sunday, Declan."  

"That's not what I meant," Declan said. "I know we were never best friends but you have to admit we basically stopped being brothers after Dad died."  

Ronan could feel his heart starting to pound a little harder. He walked over to the window that faced out over the side yard and put his hand flat against the glass, which was as cold as the air outside.   

"Things are finally starting to be okay again," Declan continued. There was an edge to his voice. "I just...I don't know." He fell silent for another moment. "I'm glad that...that you have Adam. And I'm glad you can be here. And…thank you, for this. I mean it. I guess that's all I wanted to say."  

Ronan couldn't say anything. He wanted Declan to leave. He didn't want to have  _a moment_  or whatever the hell was going on right then. He spread his palm further against the window, drinking in the cold, even when it started to get uncomfortably sharp.  

Finally, Declan sighed and said, "Okay," before he turned and left the room.  

Ronan closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the glass.  

***  

After dinner Adam and Ronan were left alone in the kitchen to clean up, which was a relief to Adam following a meal that, while not unbearable, certainly had a level of tension about it that he wasn't used to. Lunch had been fine because they ate in the living room while watching TV but Declan and Ashley seemed determined to be as grown up as possible which involved having a proper sit-down dinner. And though Ronan and Declan had managed to make it through the day without actually fighting, they still weren't entirely relaxed around each other either.  

"I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve already," Adam said as he stood at the sink rinsing dishes that Ronan then put in the dishwasher.   

Ronan took a plate from him, letting their fingers brush. "A lot happened this year."  

"Yeah." Adam dried his hands and turned to face Ronan. "I still can't believe most of it."  

Closing the dishwasher, Ronan reached out and hooked his fingers through the belt loops of Adam's jeans, pulling him closer. "Me neither. This is good though."  

"It's _alright_ ," Adam said, though he couldn't keep a straight face and laughed a second later, leaning in to kiss Ronan. "This is very good."  

"Ass," Ronan said.  

Adam made a face, lacing his fingers together against the back of Ronan's head. "Said the pot to the kettle."  

"Nerd," Ronan tried, backing Adam up against the edge of the counter.  

_"Non quidem, tu es,"_ Adam said, grinning even wider.  

"Using my own language against me, that's cruel, Parrish," Ronan said.   

Adam draped his arms around Ronan's shoulders, resting his cheek against the side of his neck. From the living room came the sounds of the TV and of Matthew laughing at something. Ronan shifted and Adam did not push him away when he leaned in to kiss him again, and again, each one slow and savored. One of Ronan's hands rested on Adam’s side, and Adam sat back against the counter, letting Ronan settle between his legs for a moment.   

It didn't take long to realize that might have been a bad idea. Choking down a soft sound, Adam gave Ronan's shoulders a little push. “C’mon, Declan's gonna be real pissed if he walks in on us like this.”  

“So?” Ronan said.   

“Think of Matthew and Opal then.”  

“Ack.” Ronan sighed. “Why d’you have to be so reasonable?”  

Adam shook his head and was about to retort when he saw that Ronan was frowning, his attention focused on something outside the window behind Adam. He leaned over, hitting the switch to turn off the light above the sink so he could see better.   

“What?” Adam asked. He turned a little awkwardly, staring out into the darkness. For a second he could only see the snow-covered yard, and then something moved at the edge of the trees. Something silver. Or white maybe. Adam held his breath, watching as whatever it was vanished into the shadows of the forest.  

Ronan was still frowning. “That was a deer. It had to be a deer.”  

“Huh,” Adam said. It must have been a very bright deer. He shot Ronan a sidelong look but didn't think it would be a good idea to ask if he had been dreaming lately. Instead he put a hand on Ronan's back. “Shouldn't we get Opal to bed?”  

“Yeah, c’mon.”  

***  

They got Opal to bed without much trouble—she had spent most of the afternoon running around with Matthew and was as a result thoroughly and mercifully exhausted. Ashley and Declan were still curled up on the couch together quietly watching TV when Ronan and Adam said goodnight and retreated to Ronan's room for the night.   

Adam had just pulled his pajama top over his head when he looked over and saw Ronan leaning back against the bedroom door watching him. “What?”  

"Nothing." Ronan went over and sat on the edge of the bed where he took his socks off and flung them across the room before flopping back on the mattress. He folded his arms behind his head and turned to look at Adam.   

_How did this happen_ _?_ Adam wondered as he walked over and stretched out next to Ronan, his head propped up in one hand, elbow on the pillow. Just a year ago, where had he been? Miserable. Alone. Thinking only of escaping. Feeling the odd man out even when he was with his friends.   

_How did this happen_. He reached over and walked his fingers lightly over Ronan's stomach, then splayed his hand against Ronan's chest. Everything else felt surreal, but Ronan—his best friend, his boyfriend—felt solid and present. _You're here_ , he told himself. _You're really right here_.   

_This happened because of you._   

He looked up. Ronan's face was completely relaxed, no trace of a scowl, no tension at the corners of his eyes, no crease between his brows. When Adam met his gaze, Ronan smiled. "Hey c'mere," he murmured, holding one arm out.   

Adam folded against him.  He slid his hand up to frame Ronan's jaw between his thumb and forefinger and kissed him long and slow. “ _God,”_ Adam murmured against Ronan's lips. “Oh…god.”  

“Uh-uh,” Ronan said, breathless. “Just us, Parrish. Just us.”  

Adam lay against him, their kisses becoming deeper, Ronan's arm wrapped possessively around Adam’s shoulders like there was any chance Adam would go anywhere other than exactly where he was right then. They tangled together until Adam could feel nothing but Ronan’s body pressed all along the length of his, and heat even through their clothes, and Ronan's hand working between them.  

_How, how, how did this happen._   

“Ronan,” Adam mumbled, because he didn't know what else to say, and in response Ronan panted “Ah, _fuck…_ ” against his ear, and Adam said Ronan’s name again, and again, even as they fumbled to push shirts and jeans out of the way and somehow not stop moving.  

 Adam propped himself up just a little, looking down at Ronan as he continued to push against him. He drank in Ronan’s expression while Ronan closed his eyes and reached up to grab desperately at the back of Adam's head with his free hand, threading fingers into his hair.  

Ronan said his name again and again and _again_ and Adam thought, _This happened because of you._   

Then for a blinding moment he blissfully thought nothing at all.  

***  

It was a minute or two before Ronan opened his eyes. He wrapped both arms around Adam so he wouldn't think he wanted him to move, though Adam felt like he had probably lost any will or ability to do so in the first place. Neither of them said anything, each waiting for the other to catch his breath. Blearily Adam managed to kiss Ronan's jaw before dropping his head back to Ronan's shoulder.  

They said each other's names at the same time.  

“No, you go, what?” Ronan said when Adam managed to get himself upright a little.  

Adam’s cheeks were slightly pink. “I was just gonna say we should put on different pants.” His cheeks got even pinker.  

“This is why I didn't change into pajamas yet,” Ronan said, smirking at him. It was only a partial truth. He got to his feet, ignoring any unpleasant sensations as he stepped over to get two clean pairs of boxers out of his dresser and toss one to Adam before changing into the other.  

Adam changed quickly and sat back down. He ran his fingers through his hair then looked up at Ronan, who was still on his feet and had taken a couple steps towards the door in anticipation of slipping out to use the bathroom. “What were you gonna say?”  

“Oh.” Ronan shrugged. He glanced back at Adam. “Just…I love you.” And before Adam could reply he ducked his head and stepped out into the hall.  

***  

Christmas Eve dawned bright and clear and cold. The snow developed a thin rind of ice on top of it, so when Ronan and Adam took Opal outside after breakfast they started a game of seeing how far they could get before they broke through and sank several inches past their ankles into the snow. Opal lost interest in that game fairly quickly and took off running with Chainsaw soaring above her.  

Ronan took Adam's hand and stuck his other in his pocket.   

"When's everyone comin' over tomorrow?" Adam asked.   

With the cloudless sky and bare trees and icy ground their voices sounded like small pinpricks in a wide open, vast, empty space. Ronan felt very small, but at the same time very connected to the bare forest and mountains and snowy fields around them. It was wonderful. He swung Adam's hand a little. "Afternoon, probably. Sargent said she'd let us know."  

Adam nodded. He tipped his head back and blew a billow of mist into the crisp air, then laughed at some private joke.   

"Weirdo," Ronan said, watching, but he was fighting back a smile as he did. His nose was starting to burn from the cold, dry air so he stopped and pinched it closed for a minute with his free hand. Letting go he said, "Matt and Declan and I are going to midnight mass at St. Agnes' tonight, you don't have to but..." He trailed off, kicking a bit of ice off his boot.   

"Do you want me to come?" Adam asked quietly.  

"I'm not going to force you," Ronan said. "I know it doesn't really mean anything for you."  

Adam scoffed. "It means something to _you_ though."  

"It's just something my family's always done together," Ronan said. "Even the first Christmas after Dad died we managed to."  

"So yes, you would like me to come?" Adam pressed. He stepped closer, all but resting his forehead against Ronan's.   

Ronan went a little cross-eyed trying to focus on him. "Yeah." He wrapped his arms around Adam's waist for a moment and closed his eyes.   

A sharp crack split the quiet morning air, either a branch or ice breaking, or maybe both. It sent a flock of crows screeching into the air and Ronan could hear Chainsaw's voice through the ruckus yelling at her smaller cousins, and a second later Opal was making noise at them too. He stayed where he was, arms around Adam, until his hands got too cold and he had to return them to his pockets.  

*** 

They left for town around eleven that night. Ashley was not coming with, her feelings about religion being a bit stronger than Adam's were, apparently. Ronan did not know whether Declan had asked her to come or not, and he resisted the desire to ask. Besides, it meant that Opal didn't have to stay by herself—she and Ashley had actually taken a liking to each other, and that was another thing Ronan didn't know how to feel about. 

He and Adam stood by the BMW waiting for Declan to catch up. Matthew was already installed in the backseat of the car.  

Finally Declan appeared, jogging down the front walk towards them. About halfway he looked up and did such a double take that he had to stop a second before continuing.  

"The fuck was that about?" Ronan asked when Declan drew nearer. 

Declan gave him a very strange look, paused, and rested one gloved hand on the hood of the car. "You look just like Dad, you know," he said quietly. "Especially with that hat and coat on." 

Ronan stared at him. He felt Adam touch his elbow a minute later, then he sighed and got into the car. 

*** 

Part of Adam had hoped that he would be surprised by the mass, that there would suddenly be some revelation into the meaning it seemed to have for Ronan and Declan and Matthew. But as he sat through the priest's sermon he couldn't help but think that maybe it had more to do with the fact that they had grown up doing this, that it was a thing to do together and he had missed the window long before he had even known Ronan existed.  

The best part, the only really _good_ part, was that he got to hear Ronan sing. It was not the way he sang around other people, and it was beautiful, though Adam wasn't about to tell him that. All the Lynch brothers had strong voices but Adam thought Ronan's was the best, clear and smooth and full of something Adam didn't really have the words to describe.  

After mass there was a small reception in the church basement with cookies and drinks. Considering the number of people attending it was a very mellow atmosphere, though Adam suspected this had something to do with the fact that it was past one a.m. at that point.  

While Matthew and Declan went around to socialize, Adam sat with Ronan at a folding table, holding a little paper cup of something that was definitely orange and possibly qualified as "juice." Ronan was slouching in his seat, looking around the room, gaze unfocused and expression unreadable.  

Shifting a moment later, Ronan turned towards Adam, resting his elbows on the table. Then he said something that Adam was not expecting. "I feel homesick." 

"Do you need to go?" Adam asked, frowning a little. "I'm sure Declan would—" 

"No, it's not that." Ronan shook his head. Then all at once he drew back in on himself again, expression hardening, shoulders squaring. "Forget it. It's dumb." 

Adam knew better than to say anything. He drank the rest of the juice in his cup, then lay the cup on its side and flattened it with the heel of his palm. Across the room Matthew was being fussed over by probably the entire St. Agnes' knitting circle. Declan was talking to the priest and some other men, smiling his charming Declan Lynch smile, which faltered only when he glanced back at Adam and Ronan. 

Adam slid his hand over, touching Ronan's wrist with his pinky. "Hey, Ronan?" 

"Huh?" 

He knew what Ronan had meant when he said homesick. Ronan both clung to and hated things like this, coming to church on the holidays. Adam knew him well enough to see without being told that Ronan was missing his parents, though he wouldn't admit to it. And there wasn't anything for Adam to say because his brand of homesickness was not rooted in the same kind of stuff that Ronan's was.  

Except...no. He did know what to say. 

"Ronan..." 

"I'm listening, Jesus, _what_?" Ronan glanced at him now.  

Adam pursed his lips and gave him a _Look_ , then took his hand and murmured, "Just...I love you." 

Ronan's expression softened. He smiled a little, then he smiled a lot, taking Adam's hand in his and lifting it to press a lingering kiss to the back of his fingers.  

*** 

It was almost two a.m. when they got back. The clouds had long since cleared from the sky, leaving it blacker than India ink but flecked with sharply cold pinpricks of light. Declan and Matthew went right inside, but Adam reached out and grabbed Ronan's arm when he went to follow them. 

"What now?" Ronan asked, turning to look at him. "I'm about to literally freeze my ass off." 

Adam tugged on his arm. "I definitely saw something when we were pulling in. It'll just be a second." 

Grumbling under his breath, Ronan let Adam pull him around behind the house. Adam had his eyes on the ground the whole time; there were deer tracks in the snow, but they were tracks like Opal had shown him two days ago, filled in with perfectly clear ice. Adam was so intent on following the tracks that he didn't look up until Ronan breathed a quiet, "Holy shit." 

Adam looked.  

A deer stood several yards away from them, just past the edge of the trees. At first Adam thought it was Ronan's albino buck, but as he squinted he realized it wasn't _white_ so much as it was reflecting any and all available light (which wasn't much). And there was something else too, something that made the creature difficult to look at for very long.  

They took a few careful, sliding steps closer to it. The creature lifted its head and looked at them, tensing a little, but it didn't run.  

Adam realize that it looked white because he could see the snow on the ground behind it, _through_ it. The deer looked like it was made of glass or...water.  

"That _is_ one of yours, isn't it?" Adam asked.  

"Yeah it's..." And suddenly Ronan started laughing. "Jesus Christ. Look at it, Parrish, do you _get_ it?" 

"What?" Adam tried to look but Ronan's laughter had startled the deer and it had scampered off. "Damn it, Ronan—what's so funny?" 

"Adam, _Adam_ ," Ronan put his hands on Adam's shoulders and grinned at him. "Get it? It's a _rain_ deer." 

Adam stared at him. "Lynch..." he said slowly. "You have an unreal, magical ability and you used it to make a goddamn _pun_? You're unbelievable, you know that. Fuck you. Why am I even going out with you?" 

Ronan was still grinning widely. "Because you love me." 

Adam tried very hard to glare at him, but Ronan's true smile was too infectious. Adam smiled, shook his head, and took Ronan's hand. "I do. I love you a lot." 

"I love you too, Adam," Ronan said. "Now c'mon, let's go inside." 

And that is what they did. 

  


End file.
